Darkmantles

Chthonic squid monsters floating soundlessly through the Inverted Palace. Conical indigo bodies ringed with crimson eyes; dense membrane webbing chitin-barbed tentacles. In sharp contrast to their gloomy exterior, a darkmantle's underside is a riot of flaming, ghastly hues. 

Darkmantles hover ominously in corridors or high above spacious chambers until they detect the mental thrum of potential prey. They dart through the air with surprising speed and latch themselves to a victim, engulfing their head and upper torso in membranous embrace. 

While attached, a darkmantle shoots slender dendron-shaped tendrils into the nose and ears of the victim to hijack their synapses while a subliminally active display pulses across their ventral surface, psychically imprinting an egg in the victim's mental substrate. During this process, the darkmantle will defend itself and the victim by lashing at oncoming threats with its tentacles.

HD 4+1 AC 5 Att. Engulf, Tentacle x 4 (1d6) Move: 180'(60') fly Morale: 7 Alignment: Chaotic Number Appearing: 1d3

• Engulf: engulfed creatures can move but not see or attack. They must save vs. spells each round to mentally resist the darkmantle's egg. A helmet grants +2 to the save, and a Helmet of Telepathy grants +4. Once attached, a darkmantle only removes itself if it dies, loses morale, or successfully implants an egg. Half the damage inflicted on a darkmantle is dealt the engulfed creature. 
• Psionic occlusion: Darkmantles project a nimbus of psychic noise that makes their presence difficult to comprehend. They surprise on a 4:6 and cannot be targeted by spells or missile attack from a range greater than 30'.

A darkmantle egg is fertilized by the background memories of its host. A day after implantation, incidental or intentional attempts to access deep-seated memories result in nothing more than darkness and nauseating anxiety—the remains of the victim's subconscious has cordoned off the parts of the mind parasitized by a gestating alien psyche. Player characters lose any skills, features, or characteristics related to their background (e.g., a character who used to be a deep sea diver or basket weaver or circus performer is no better at diving or weaving or performing than an average person. No class abilities are lost). 

After 3 months of dreamless sleep and forgetting what you were doing the moment you walk into a room, the larval darkmantle hatches from its egg and chews a hole through your mind directly into the Nightmare Dimension, where it matures before making it's way back into the Prime Material Plane by way of the mythic underworld. This is by all accounts worse than having a creature physical burst through your brain, but the result is the same: the character is out of the game. 

Because darkmantle eggs are parasitic psychological phenomena and not physical objects, they can only be excised by effects that target the mind. Downtime research will yield three such cases: one of the sorceress Ganavel who cleared the egg from her psyche by converting it into a spell and casting it, another of a nameless psionic warrior of the Seven War period who neutralized his egg with PSI bombardments, and a third of the ancient poet Eio Ei, who counter-parasitized the nascent darkmantle when he sublimated the alien presence into a lyric poem. He saved himself from the egg, but was slain in the riot that followed the first and only performance of his opus. One copy remains in the Palace Archives—Hearing it while implanted inspires the same integration with the darkmantle that saved the poet, though a listener without such an affliction will be driven insane. 

Darkmantle eggs may also be removed through a highly experimental procedure involving accessing the brain via trepanation, treating it with Oil of Etherealness, and then casting a spell of Cure Disease. The procedure is practiced by She of Limpid Mercy and the vicar-surgeons of the Hall of Contrition in exchange for a modest donation, but you have to provide your own oil. 

1d6 Bounty Hunters

Six villains who hunt wanted PCs or whoever the PCs are hunting. Dead or alive, always. 

1. Lolelia Rakva 

Her skin is a beautiful pastel blue. She wears the bright, flowy dancer robes and smells like a perfumer's vat. Absolutely loves her job. She likes the search, the pursuit, the inevitable showdown. But most of all she likes the attention; it's easy to develop an obsession with the person coming to end their life, or bring you to their employer who will do much worse. Lolelia fights with flowers and bees, her petal-laden throwing stars burst in plumes of pollen which burn the sinuses as strongly as they attract the deadly swarms she keeps in her voluminous sleeves. 

HD: 5
AC: 6 (High dex)

Attacks: 2 x flower shuriken (1d4 + pollen poison) or seed bomb, control swarm

• Pollen poison: Save vs. poison or suffer -3 to attacks and AC for the next minute.
• Seed bomb: Dense thorny briars and grasping vines spring from the ground where these are thrown. Movement, attacks, and spell casting in a 20' radius is impossible until a character saves vs. paralysis on their round. Movement through the area is reduced to 10'/round, 20' if the character spends their action hacking through the brush with a bladed weapon. Lolelia carries three bombs.  
• Control swarm: Lolelia keeps a bee swarm in each sleeve. She can direct both swarms to move up to 30' per round.
• Bee swarm: 15 hp, occupies a 10' radius space. Everyone inside takes 1d3 damage per round, or just 1 if they spend their round batting insects away. Creatures struck by a flower shuriken take +1 damage. Only harmed by area effects or torches, which deal 1d4 damage.

2. Masked Swordsman Lessic

A flashy swashbuckler in a domino mask and bright silver cape. His cape is a djinn he commanded to turn into a single long thread by means of a Sword of Wishes (he used every wish but the sword is still +1). The cape exudes thick fog when billowed, within which Lessic creates illusory duplicates of himself. He'll confront the party in an open place and declare his challenge, then with a jaunty toss of his cape, will surround the party in fog and appear to attack from all sides. Sincerely does not want to die; will yield as soon as he takes a hit, only to return 1d4 days later to issue another challenge.  

HD: 6
AC: 5
Attacks: Sword of Wishes (1d8+1) 

• Silver Cape: At the start of combat, Lessic flips his cape and produces dense, clinging fog in a 30' radius limiting visibility to 3'.
• Illusory duplicates: Within the fog, a number of illusory Lessics equal to the size of the party + 1d6 attack from all sides. Each duplicate has an AC of 9 and dissolves into fog on hit. Damage dealt from the illusion is nonlethal but feels real; anyone brought to 0 hp from an illusion passes out for 1d4 turns. 

Lessic cannot be targeted unless his illusions are dissipated, the fog is dispersed, or a character can see through illusions.

If Lessic dies, the djinn-cape returns to its original form while shouting "I'm free!" and then disappears in a rush of wind.

3. Maledact the Crazed

A warlock with an obscure curse who turned to bounty hunting to pay for tinctures and unguents to assuage his affliction. His uniform is never without thick gloves, a long scarf, and protective goggles, completed by his shockingly white hair which sticks out in all directions. He rides a captive storm cloud like a bronco that he wrangles with iridium reigns. It's barely under control and charges in a new direction every round, while all Maledact can do to grit his teeth and hang on for dear life.

HD: 7

AC: 9
Spells:

1. Shield, Charm Person, Light

2. Invisibility, Web

3. Fly, Protection from Missiles

4. Wall of Ice

Every 1d6 rounds the storm cloud ceases charging and begins to buck and rumble. The next round Maledact pulls up on the reigns so the cloud rears high and releases 6d6 lightning bolt directly in front of it. If Maledact is prevented from pulling up on the reigns, the lightning discharges downward and he is hit with the 3d6 return stroke.  

Storm cloud: Stats as Rhinoceros, unharmed by mundane weapons, fly 240'(80'), charges in a random direction each round. 

4. Tiberia Brightfang

A big game hunter from lands afar. Tall, brawny, wears a cloak of woven straw and a vest made from the hide of a dire wolverine. Around her neck is a string of bronzed hunting trophies (claws, fangs, talons) from which she gets her name. She rides an allosaurus and fights with a hunting spear the size of a pike. Her magic hunting horn summons semblances of beasts she's slain to fight for her. 

HD 8
AC: 7
Attacks: Hunting pike (1d10) and throwing stick (1d4, on a miss curves around and attacks again the next round) 

• Hunting horn: In place of attacks, 3/day Tiberia can blow her horn and cause 1d6 creatures of the rolled type appear. If only 1, the beast is dire. They disperse after a turn or if Tiberia is killed.
  
  Roll 1d12: 1. Wolf 2. Grizzly bear 3. Elephant 4. Lion 5. Shark 6. Eagle 7. Anaconda 8. Crocodile 9. Boar 10. Cave Ape 11. Sabre tooth 12. Crazed beastman

5. Fel Arararara

A sanguine elf exile from the Vermilion Islands. Jet black eyes, ashen skin, body covered in raised scars like blooming roses. Her crossbow is a black-carapaced scorpion, bio-engineered in the shape of a weapon, from whose tail she milks the venom which coats her bolts. She is indentured to the demon Kalithraxas; he lives in her eyes and has an insatiable hunger for light. Kalithraxas robs Fel of her corporeality in darkness, a bane she learned to harness in the service of her work. She has less utter contempt for mankind than the typical sanguine elf, but relishes in their slaughter all the same.

HD: 8 
AC: 3

Spells: 

1. Light, Darkness, Spider Climb

2. Ray of Enfeeblement, Hideous Laughter, ESP

3. Hold Person, Dispel Magic

4. Dimension Door, Confusion
Attacks: Scorpion crossbow (1d6 + poison) or 2-handed hook sword (1d10+1, ignores shields)

• Scorpion poison: save or your muscles spasm and contort into a pretzel. You can take 1d6 damage to move up to 10' and attack at -4, otherwise you writhe helplessly on the ground. Lasts 2d4 turns. 
• Darkness incorporeality: Fel and her gear become completely intangible in darkness. She can see the material world clearly but cannot effect it in any way. She can phase through walls, but does so rarely in case a light source on the other side makes her corporeal within a solid object. Kalithraxas demands Fel feed him light; if she is in darkness for more than 60 minutes he will appear as an ethereal hound-like monstrosity and devour her soul. 

Fel carries four lozenges of Vellocet, a sanguine elf stimulant that functions as a Potion of Speed (lasts 1d6+6 turns). Non-sanguine elves who take one have their speed tripled instead of doubled but must save vs. death every 20 minutes or suffer a heart attack.

6. "Bad" Randall Brant

They say he's a monster in the guise of a man. They say he killed his mother during childbirth, then killed the doctor and midwife too. He's the man you call when you have no other choice—but you'll never call, because he'll find you first. When you see him ride through town on his black horse, twin hand cannons crossed behind his back, you know trouble is soon to follow. He stops at nothing to catch his quarry and he has never failed. 

HD: 10
AC: 3
Attacks: throwing knife (1d4) or bola (1d3 subdual + entangle), spiked chain +2 (1d6+2; entangles on a roll of 1-2) or hand cannon (2d8, ignores armor; each usable once per battle)

• Entangle: Save vs. paralysis or unable to move, attack, or cast spells until a save is succeeded on a subsequent round. Creatures with 6+ HD automatically free themselves the next round but lose initiative. A natural 20 attack roll means the weapon wraps around the foe's neck; if the save is failed the victim is helpless will die of strangulation in 1d6+2 rounds unless rescued. 

Randall will break any law and kill any NPC he needs to to get at the party and never suffers repercussions. Only thieves and magically concealed characters can get the drop on him, otherwise he's only surprised on a 1:12. He'll pursue the party even if the bounty is cancelled or his employer backs out of the contract. Run him like a hyper-competent slasher movie villain. Though he is still just a man. 

  

Randall's horse: Answers to "Cobb," stats as riding horse with 4+1 HD and 12 morale. His teeth have been replaced with iron fangs; bite deals 1d6. 

The TICHENORTIME

Puttering around the dungeon on its little bowed legs, the TICHENORTIME appears! 

A dozen lifelike hands radiate from its circular clock-face body, each with a number of fingers equal to the hour they are positioned at. The clock body is supported by three slender human legs. It has three clock hands: hours, minutes, and a special silver hand fixed at 12. 

The Tichenortime is a curious automaton found deep within the halls of the Inverted Palace. It appears harmless at first, tottering after party at a safe distance, keeping time with a soft tick-tock.

What it Does

When combat breaks out, the silver clock hand ticks to one. Time compresses. 

Instead of rolling initiative each round, both sides act simultaneously the first round and every round after. 

On the second round, the silver hand moves to two. two rounds are compressed into one. Declare two rounds of actions, and both resolve at the same time. On the third round three rounds resolve at once, on the fourth four, and so on up to 12. 

How to Stop It

That's the challenge. 

• Breaking it works. The Tichenortime has AC -1, 80 HP, saves as a 8 HD creature, and casts Slow on anyone who damages it. It runs away after losing 20 or more HP, but can appear again as a wandering monster. If destroyed, it's body is worth 10,000 sp to a wizard or antique collector and weighs 500 lbs. 

• Thieves can attempt to mess with its internal components. If the Tichenortime is grappled or otherwise immobilized, thieves can attempt to Remove Traps. If the roll succeeds, the Tichenortime is deactivated for the rest of combat. 

• Removing the silver hand does nothing, as it's just there to show how many rounds are being compressed. It's worth 5 sp. 

• Pausing combat for a full minute (six rounds) resets the Tichenortime back to it's original state. 

• It won't follow you if you leave the dungeon floor. But it will be waiting.

What else

If you successfully rout your foes while the Tichenortime is active, it chirrups a few times and rewards you with one of its humanlike hands (starting with the one with one finger extended, then the one with two, and so on). Whoever's holding it sees the extended fingers are articulated and can be closed. 

Closing a Tichenortime's fingers into a fist gives you FREE TIME. For every finger the hand has to close, you get one full turn where you can do whatever you please without the effects of time passing. This doesn't "stop" time, rather the effects of time progressing are ignored—wandering monsters aren't checked, torches don't burn down, magical effects aren't exhausted, etc. So if you survive 11 combat encounters with the Tichenortime and it gives you its hand with 11 fingers, each finger can be closed to give you a total of 11 free turns. 

Once a hand has been given, the silver clock hand starts combat on the next number; so after the "one" hand has been given, combat starts with two rounds compressed into one, after the "two" hand has been given combat starts with three rounds compressed, and so on up to 12. 

If the players manage to survive 12 encounters and get all 12 of the Tichenortime's hands, it's body opens up to reveal a reliquary containing the HAND OF VECNA... or some other thematically appropriate reward. 

The Tichenortime that inspired this post is a sculpture made by Pedro Friedeberg.

The Aeternum

I've written before about how Chaos are the bad guys. That doesn't mean Law can't be the bad guys either. 

---

The Aeternum is a radical sect of the Church of Law rapidly gaining prominence in the wake of the Seven War period. They preach the doctrine of stasis: let nothing change. Without the possibility of change, there is nothing to dispute the ineffable and unyielding truth of Law. All things which seek to challenge Law will yield to its inexorable plan.

Ask a member of the Church and they'd say the Aeternum of course do not actually wish to freeze the world in its current state, but rather achieve, or perhaps usher in, some sort of figurative spiritual revolution, and this member, depending on their disposition, will be sure to tell you that while they don't condone the manner in which the Aeternum go about their practice, they're dedication is commendable.

Ask a member of the Aeternum and they would say there is nothing figurative about their plans—the world of men can only serve the Lords of Law in a state of perfect, eternal stillness. For are not the Lords themselves unchanging? Are our notions of order and reason not but the earthly emanations of their transcendent, perpetual forms?

Philip Jackson

Naturally, the Aeternum aren’t too keen on adventures awakening slumbering horrors and recovering reality-altering artifacts from ages past.

How are they antagonizing the PCs today?

1. Sealing the dungeon's entrance
2. Quarantining the base town for a reported chaos incursion
3. Mandating they surrender their magic items. "Scoundrels like you can't be trusted with them!" 
4. Attempting to press them into service hunting heretics. Refusal is considered proof the party is in league with Chaos.
5. Capturing peasants and forcing them to convert or be put to death
6. Burning a giant symbol of stasis in the middle of the city. Significant property damage deemed a worthy tradeoff for nebulous long-term goals. 

Aeternum

HD: 1 AC: 5 Attacks: 1 x mace (1d6) Move: 90'(30') Saves: as Cleric 1 Morale: 10 Alignment: Lawful Number appearing: 2d8+2 (war band) / 1d6x10 (caravan transporting artifacts/prisoners/treasure) / 2d20 accompanying 1d10x10 0 HD followers (pilgrimage to holy site) 

War bands are led by a 4 HD Perpetuant. Caravans and pilgrimages include 1 Perpetuant per 10 Aeternum and are led by a 6 HD Permanence. 

AETERNAL POWERS (Treat these as level-less spells, usable by members of the Aeternum once per day for every 2 HD they possess.) 

1. Edict. Issue a simple command a number of creatures up to the Aeternum's HD must save vs. spells or be compelled to obey.
2. Eternity's Grasp. Holds (as the spell) a number of creatures equal to the Aeternum's HD. Lasts until the Aeternum moves or is moved. 
3. Suspension field. Freeze missiles in the air. Protects a number of creatures up to the Aeternum's HD.
4. Preserve. A single object is safe from all forms of rot and decay for a number of months equal to the Aeternum's HD. 
5. Reversion. The effect of a number of rounds equal to the Aeternum's HD are undone. Only targets the caster, so they recover any hp lost and consumables spent but everything else remains the same.  
6. Static zone. Everything within a radius equal to the Aeternum's HD x10' is under the effect of a Slow and Silence spell. Lasts until the Aeternum moves or breaks full concentration. If 10 or more HD of Aeterna are participating, the area of effect is measured by only the highest-HD Aeternum and also negates magic. 
7. Contrition. Creature suffering from a curse, disease, or mutation takes 2d8 damage and is freed from its affliction (if the creature has multiple curses, diseases, etc. only one is removed). Unwilling creatures may save vs. spells to resist the effect, with a penalty equal to half the Aeternum's HD rounding down. 
8. Negentropy. Counter another spell cast this round. If the spell countered is level 4 or greater, the caster gets a save vs. spells to resist. 
9. Eternalize. Flesh to Stone or Stone to Flesh. Unwilling targets who fail their save are affected for 2d6 rounds, but the effect is permanent if cast by an Aeternum with 8+ HD. Members of the Aeternum regularly use these abilities on themselves and others as part of their many esoteric ritual practices. 
10. Inexorable Gaze. Detect Magic, Detect Evil, and Know Alignment wrapped into one. Targets a radius equal to the Aeternum's HD x10'. Lasts for one round. 

kzlkid

Treasure

1. Marble halo. A ring of marble that, when worn over the head, turns the wearer to stone until the halo is removed.
2. Immovable rod. 
3. Crosier of Cancelation. Touch a magic item and expend a charge to fully disenchant it. The Crosier has 1d6+2 charges. Effect last for 2d6 days.   
4. Eternity egg. An egg big enough to fit a human child made of perfectly smooth white stone, kept in an ornate cage of gold and pearl. Feels hollow and incredibly cold to the touch. The egg slows time in the local area, approximately one one-hundredth of a second per second, compounding imperceptibly with each passing moment. The oldest known egg is located in a special chamber within the Basilica Aeterna, which makes time flow at half the speed in a three-mile radius from the megastructure. Of course, the difference is imperceptible to those within the radius.  
5. Trapped lightning. Stored in a quartz cylinder. Releasing it deals 5d6 damage to everything in a straight line, save vs. breath for half. 
6. Tincture of Sustention. Prevents aging and level drain for 10 years. 
7. Negation Hammer. Warhammer +1, struck creatures must save vs. wands or lose the ability to cast spells for the next hour. 

GREENEYED PIG MEN

I'm not an "orc guy" by any means (hobgoblins are more my speed) but for better or worse they're intrinsic to D&D fantasy. Similar to what I wrote about elementals in my last post, orcs are one of those aspects of the game that beg to be reimagined, as evidenced by how many hundreds (of thousands) of words have been devoted to reinterpreting orcs with more nuance to either explain their brutish tendencies or justify why they can be killed without guilt. I've mostly stayed away from this topic and from orcs in general (more for aesthetic reasons than anything else, as I've never settled on a "look" for orcs that feels right) but the other night I passed out reading Planet Algol and dreamed of Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles softly punching me in the face while psychedelic noise rock played in the background. I woke up in a trashed hotel room and found this post fully written in a notepad document on my laptop ANYWAY HERE IT IS

GREENEYED PIG MEN

GREENEYED PIG MEN

# Appearing: 2d6 (dungeon)/1d6x10 (overworld)/30d10 (overworld lairs) 

Armor Class: 7 

Movement: 120'(40') 

Hit Dice: 1 

Attacks: +0 weapon (1d8) 

Alignment: Chaotic 

Morale: 8 (6 without a leader) 

Saving throws: Fighter 1

Lair: 50%

• Greeneyes: Can't see well in full daylight, -1 to hit.
• Death comes cheap: slain allies do not cause a morale check.
• Leaders: Dungeon groups are led by a 2 HD captain (hp 9, Att. +1 1d8). Overworld groups are led by a 4 HD PIG MAN CHIEF (hp 15, Att, +3 1d8+2). Lairs have their own leaders, detailed below.
• War pigs: Fight other tribes on sight. Commands from their leader to stand down are only obeyed 50% of the time.

GREENEYED PIG MEN live to fight. Prolonged bouts of pacifism atrophy their muscles and cause their organs to fail. PIG MEN are practical and don't care for tough decisions; they instinctively seek out leaders who prove their might and ensure they can kill and raze as they please.

Lairs (1d20)

1-6. CAVE COMPLEX	Leader: 1:10 chance per 100 PIG MEN it’s a dragon, otherwise it’s a PIG MAN chief Additional occupants: 10% chance per 50 pig men (checked independently):  1d6 ogres 1d4 trolls 1d4 ettins
7-11. WAR CAMP	Commander (1d8):  1-4. PIG MAN chief  5-6. Chaotic Fighter (7-9 HD) 7-8. Magic-user (11 HD) Additional forces: roll twice +1 additional time for every 50 PIG MEN above 150 1. Team of 1d4 PIG MAN beast tamers w/ trained chimera, hydra, basilisk, or giant scorpion 2. 1d3 tiraphegs 3. 1d10 war-painted dire boars  4. 3d8 0 HD human meatshields 5. 1 hill giant 6. 1d4 trolls 7. 1d6 ogres 8. 1d8 PIG MAN pterodactyl riders
12-14. SKULL FORTRESS	Dark Lord (1d8): 1-2. Chaotic fighter (9 HD) 3-4. Magic-user (8-11 HD) 5-6. Evil High Priest (11 HD)  7-8. Abyssal Demon (Bael’rogh) Additional forces: As War Camp
15-17. MULTI-TIERED PLATFORM VILLAGE complete with robust inter-platform zipline network	Leader: As War Camp  Additional occupants: as Cave Complex
18-20. They’re just piled on top of one another in a GIANT PIT	Leader: PIG MAN chief  Additional occupants: None, but the pit has a 1:10 chance per 100 pig men of being situated at the foot of... (1d12):  1-2. a Dark Lord’s stronghold. 3-4. a dragon’s mountain. 5-6. a recently ransacked human settlement. 7-8. a matronly elder hag’s cottage. 9-10. a giant mind-controlling mushroom. 11. an unspeakably horrifying obsidian effigy. 12. a smoldering crater, radioactive meteorite still glowing.

Convoys

When PIG MEN are encountered in the overworld outside of their lair, there’s a 37% chance they are escorting a wagon train. The train will have 2d4 wagons, and will have 10 PIG MEN guarding each wagon in addition to the number of PIG MEN initially rolled for the encounter. 

Convoy leader (1d6)
1-2. Fighter (7-9 HD)
3-4. Magic-User (7-9 HD)
5. Cleric (7-9 HD)
6. PIG MAN chief or something else

Wagon contents (2d6 for each)
2-4. 1 large, cumbersome statue, tapestry, or other piece of art worth 2d6 x 100 sp
5-6. 2d6 x 100 sp worth of trade goods like spices, furs, rare lumber, etc.
7-8. 2d6 x 100 sp in coins
9. Weapons, armor, and ammunition
10. Materials required to construct a catapult or other siege engine
11. 2d4 potions and 2 scrolls 
12. 1 miscellaneous magic item

What are GREENEYED PIG MEN? (1dwhatever)

1. Vat-spawned soldiers created for a long-forgotten war.

2. Offspring of other pig men breeding with female swine.

3. Men subjected to the curse befalling those who spill blood on holy ground.

4. No one can say for sure, but it has something to do with fungus.

5. Organisms that spontaneously generate in dungeonous environments.

6. Children of the great demon Idnach, mother of monsters. 

7-100. don’t worry about it.

Sample GREENEYED PIG MAN clans & names

CLANS

1. Razorbacks. Incredibly hairy. Experts at ambushes and guerilla combat. 2. Rotting Sun. Covered in sores and rashes. Accompanied by swarms of biting flies. 3. Thrashbangers. Thick goggles protect their eyes from the sun. Fight with makeshift grenades and explosives. 4. Black Feast. Wear spiked leather harnesses. Eat fallen foes and allies. 5. Toegrinders. Decorate their armor with skulls and bones. Ride into combat on lumbering battlewagons. 6. Greenskins. Rather unremarkable.

NAMES

1. Gurglesnort

2. Master Exploder

3. Trotenheim

4. Excrementus

5. Slugnutz

6. Krunt

7. Rashburn

8. Elfsqueeze

9. Scum Gutter

10. Gruesome

11. Skidmark

12. Oglebog

13. Throckmorton

14. Weasel Piss

15. Dunkhead

16. Jagwort

17. Weenus

18. Gigantic

19. Crusher Prime

20. Bloodgut

The hills have arms (and they're beating your ass)

Elementals

Certain ideas are on their face kind of lame or frustratingly executed, but have a kernel of something resonant that keeps bringing you back. It's like the flaws are there to taunt you, challenging you to fix them. 

Old school D&D is like that. BX is a terrific game with enough tremendous flops and oversights that designing house rules and derivative systems has essentially become a hobby in and of itself.

D&D elementals also fall in this category. People have been providing new rules, alternative interpretations, and added texture for decades. Chris Hogan has a good writeup on why elementals are boring and what can be done about them, and it's from way back in the day when people started their posts with a Captain Planet reference (it's good though and you should read it. No one posts like that anymore). 

A lot of people go in the direction of adding layers nuance to elementals and changing the baseline assumptions. This post from Scrap Princess has been knocking around my brain for years, and even though I haven't found a use for it in my game it's a welcome addition to my mental ecosystem. "Gravity fire" is a good example of the kind of radical direction people take the elemental concept.

I like this approach a lot, but when you change elementals too much it requires a lot more buy-in from the players. The baseline concept for elementals is so easy to grasp it almost feels too straightforward, but hear me out: A wildfire is scary, but a sentient wildfire that's trying to kill you, specifically, is terrifying, exhilarating, and somewhat absurd—perfect for a D&D game. Living tornados and walking earthquakes might not be the most glamorous (certainly underserved by the official art) but damn it they can be fun too. They're like those OSR-style challenges we all go crazy for but with hit points. 

The problem is, nothing about this is reflected in the stats. We're led to believe elementals are living  flames/winds/water/earth but you can walk right up to one and whack it with a sword? And the only risk you run is being targeted by its one attack per round? Something's not right here.

This is just a side-note before I move on, but a point I've never seen mentioned before is the monster listing for elementals in both O and AD&D imply they are only the stats for conjured elementals (either by staff, spell, or device). The AD&D Monster Manual even goes so far as to specify more sophisticated elementals exist "than can be summoned." Over time, these "conjured elementals" became the standard all-purpose elemental, leading to the uncomfortable middle ground we have today where they're kind of mindless bag-of-hitpoint monsters but are also supposed to be the dominant lifeform on their respective plane, which supposedly all have their own cultures and civilizations.   

What D&D does well

Conjured elementals map neatly to things high-level characters will do, namely aerial adventures, seafaring adventures, domain-level stronghold sieges, and messing around with large quantities of fire.

When a magic-user conjures an elemental it requires their full concentration to maintain control. This implies elementals are like bound spirits held against their will, which is very on-theme. Elementals summoned by druids don't turn on their masters, probably because they asked nicely. 

Little details about how elementals’ size changes based on their power and how fire and earth elementals are obstructed by channels of water are nice and lend some tactical depth for keen parties to leverage. 

Treating elementals as extraplanar entities instead of constructs gives elementals an appropriately numinous quality, even if their statblocks don’t measure up. 

In AD&D, certain spells require the presence of an elemental or become stronger if an elemental is used in their casting. This is only true for earth and air elementals (distance distortion and move earth for earth, call lightning for air) but there’s a lot of potential for this to be expanded. Magic-users conjuring planar beings to aid their spellcasting is exceptionally evocative and I’ll most definitely steal that idea. 

This is how elementals work now

Elementals are formed when essence from the planetary lifestream is sequestered in base matter—in the D&D world, this means fire, water, earth, and air, instead of like atoms or whatever. 

Digression: There's no elemental plane of air/fire etc. There is only one elemental plane, and it surrounds and touches this one at all points. The elemental plane—wizards call it the Plane of Elemental Anima, capitalized—is where the world's living essence exists in tangible form. It's also the place where beings like animistic nature spirits, djinns, and all those weird elemental monsters from the Rules Cyclopedia like helions and the kryst reside. Barbarians call the elemental plane the "Godrealm," as that is where their many heathen deities originate. 

Conjured elementals, generally, should not be dealt with as typical monsters. Mundane weapons are useless, and magical weapons only deal minimal damage unless specifically designed to harm enchanted or extraplanar creatures. Damage to an elemental's corporeal form is just reconstituted from the surrounding element.

The most common way to defeat an elemental is by depriving it of its matter. Cut off a water elemental from its source, trap a wind elemental in a vacuum, uproot an earth elemental, deny a fire elemental access to fuel. 

Smart players would go after the commanding MU to break their concentration. You'd think most MUs have contingencies in place to prevent this from happening, but evil wizards have a habit of underestimating plucky adventurers.

The easiest way to handle an elemental is by commanding another to fight it or casting a spell of banishment. The problem is, this requires collaboration with powerful MUs and/or clerics, who are rare, expensive, and hard to get along with in equal measure. 

Elementals also have utility, believe it or not, outside of combat. Their life essence can be channeled to manipulate their native element. [design note: RAW conjured elementals exist indefinitely until slain or dismissed. I like the idea of using elementals for non-combat activities but if they last forever they would be too useful and unbalance the game. Exchanging hp for more capabilities is my compromise.]

Here are the stats to make conjured elementals more like the primordial forces of nature they ought to be: 

Air

Appearance ideas

8 HD:  Airborne debris flying like a starling murmuration

12 HD: A screaming, whirling disk of silvery cloud-stuff. Whizzes around recklessly.  

16 HD: A storm cloud serpent with thunderbolt wings 

AC 2/0/-2 Att. +7/+9/+11 blow (1d8/2d8/3d8) Mv. 360'(120') flying Saves: as HD Morale: 10 Alignment: Neutral

• Must be conjured under the open sky.
• Deals an extra 1d8 damage to flying foes. 
• Creatures less than 2 HD in melee range must save vs. death each round or die from suffocation.
• In place of doing damage, hit creatures up to ogre size can be flung 1d4x10' in any direction, taking fall damage as applicable. 
• Dissipates if trapped indoors or in other enclosed spaces.

Additional powers

• Thunderclap. Costs 2d8 hp. Releases a concussive burst that can be heard for miles; creatures within 50’ must save vs. breath or take 2d12 damage and be deafened and stunned (half movement and -4 to attack rolls) for 2d6 rounds, half damage on a success.
• Tailwind. Costs 2d8 hp per hour. Allows sailboats and aerial vessels to move at 1.5x speed.

Earth 

Appearance ideas

8 HD: Upper body like a man, lower body like a giant earthen slug 

12 HD: A slouched ape figure with arms thick as tree trunks 

16 HD: A seismic wave-hill that drags itself on four giant pillar-like appendages 

AC 2/0/-2 Att. +7/+9/+11 blow (1d8/2d8/3d8) Mv. 60'(20') moves freely through unworked earth Saves: as HD Morale: 10 Alignment: Neutral

• Must be conjured from raw dirt, stone, sand, or clay.
• Deals an extra 1d8 damage to structures and foes on the ground.
• In place of attacking, can create a tremor that causes everyone in 20' to fall over and save vs. paralysis or take 1d6 damage. 
• Cannot cross a water barrier wider than their HD in feet.
• Dissipates if uprooted from the earth. Explosives harm earth elementals, as does falling, which kills them outright. Large scale excavation equipment deals normal damage—a human with a shovel won't do anything, but a giant with a giant shovel is a different story.

Additional powers

• Liquefaction. Costs 2d8 hp. The ground in a 30’ radius becomes quicksand.
• Land formation. Costs 3d8. The elemental forms itself into a shape of whoever commands its choosing (wall, pillar, small hut, etc.). Total volume of earth available to manipulate is 400/600/800 cubic feet. The elemental is inert while shaped (yet still conscious), and must lose another 3d8 hp to return to its original form. MUs still need to maintain concentration while an elemental is shaped, or else it will slip from their control and revert to its original form. 

Fire

Jon Silent

AC 2/0/-2 Att. +7/+9/+11 blow (1d8/2d8/3d8) Mv. 120'(40') Saves: as HD Morale: 10 Alignment: Neutral

Appearance ideas

8 HD: Hundreds of small flaming figures dancing and leaping, their heads like tiny stars.

12 HD: A riotous vortex of fire unfurling like a rose.

16 HD: A plasma toroid hovering ominously above the ground.

• Must be conjured from a roaring fire of at least man-height.
• Automatically damages foes in melee range. Ignites flammable material.
• Cannot cross a water barrier wider than their HD in feet.
• Loses 2 hp each round it lacks access to fuel (dry firewood, oil, etc.).

Additional powers

• Combust. Costs 2d8 hp. Deals an amount of damage equal to hp lost to every creature within 30’, save vs. spells for half. Any amount of additional hp may be spent to bolster the effect.
• Primordial crucible. A fire elemental can be bound in order to reduce the time (but not the cost) of creating a magic item by 1 week per HD. There's a 10% chance each week the elemental escapes from it's binding and attacks it master, ruining the magic item in the process. The elemental dissipates once the magic item is created, and can be dismissed at any time—for example, an MU can decide that after shaving 8 weeks off a 6-month project they don't want to risk it any more, they can dismiss their elemental and work the remaining 4 months alone. 

Water

Appearance ideas

8 HD: Wriggling mass of transparent worms

12 HD: A broad ribbon of water, gently swaying

16 HD: A roiling black water leviathan with glassy sheen, flecked by sparks of bioluminescence

AC 2/0/-2 Att. +7/+9/+11 blow (1d8/2d8/3d8) Mv.  60’(20’) on land, instantaneously disperses and reconstitutes anywhere in a 180’ radius while in water. Saves: as HD Morale: 10 Alignment: Neutral

• Must be conjured from a body of water no smaller than a pond or creek.
• Deals an extra 1d8 damage to foes in water.
• A water elemental can attempt to surround and submerge a foe by moving into the space it occupies. Save vs. paralysis or be restrained by the elemental and unable to breathe (losing consciousness in 2 rounds). On a successful save the creature is pushed back 10’. 
• Dissipates if more than 60’ from its water source.

Additional powers

• Phase change. Costs 1d8 hp. Elemental becomes mist, ice, or turns back to water. It can freeze around submerged foes, trapping them and inflicting 1d6 damage as they get crushed by expanding ice.
• Maelstrom. Costs 1d8 hp per round. Elemental creates a giant whirlpool that sucks boats and traps aquatic creatures. Potentially surfaces submerged treasure or awakens abyssopelagic sea monsters.

Characters deserve cool mounts

Every once in a while you see something and think “I don’t care how or when but this is going in my game.” 

That happened to me recently with the early concept art of the Final Fantasy chocobo:

God AKA Yoshitaka Amano

Running birds. Wizards call them gallopedes. 

HD 5 AC 7 Att. +4 talon x 2 (1d6) or beak (2d6) Move 270' (90') Save 12 Morale 9 NA 1d6 (3d8)

They can charge into combat like a warhorse and carry as much as a draft horse. Big enough to accommodate two riders. 

Running birds aren't for sale in any town or settlement. Herds are only known to gather in hex 1512, the Gallopede Glade. There’s a 1:20 chance per visit the Brollothere is hanging out there too.

From Yūkyū no Kaze Densetsu: Final Fantasy III Yori

The glade is also home to Yulassetar, a mossy dwarf with an old gnarled pipe permanently fixed between his lips. He lives in a pleasant cottage with his pet dire ferret and welcomes friendly visitors. 

He’ll tell the PCs, as they're sure to ask, the two steps to befriending a running bird:

The first step to earn one's respect is to beat it in a race. It's not hard to initiate; running birds are highly social creatures and love contests of speed. Winning is a different story though, as a typical running bird can easily pace the swiftest riding horse.  

The second step is to have it accept a gift of food. Yulassetar recommends caecilia steak slathered in killer bee honey.

After both steps are completed the running bird will be your ally for life. It obeys simple commands, fends for itself, and like all creatures with common sense it avoids entering dungeons. If its mistreated or its owner dies, it'll return to the glade. 

When running birds sleep they curl up into a perfect sphere. 

From the first Legend of the Crystals OVA